Life Celebration

Time does fly isn’t it? i don’t remember how suddenly 25 is soon to be just a history

I don’t remember what i exactly said to my so-called-big-brother-who-happened-to-be-born-at-the -exactly-same-date-but-different-year-with-me *rempong yaaaaa* in our birthday last year, but what i remember is i said to him that this year should be filled up with life celebration. No more complaining, with capital. And now since my 25 is almost done (if i’m still in europe, means the end of the discounted price for student under 26 season, glad that i’m in Indonesia now :p), let’s do some recap just to keep everything documented *as if i care with document or journal* *well i do care* *sometimes* *if else why did i start blogging anyway* *oh please brain, stop the monologue and be cooperate*. Pardon me people, it is just part of mid life crisis *what is mid life anyway??*

Okay, where should i start, my 25 was pretty awesome, i got my degree, i explored europe *a bit*, i learned a lot especially during my stay aboard *i mean that was a rare chance which hopefully i can regain someday* *doesn’t mean that i don’t like to live here, please believe me, if i have to choose Indonesia will be my number one*, i learned to grow, to accept the fact that to some extent i am adult and tried to act as adult should be, met new people, made friends, tried to think and see things from different points of view. Yeah, my life was full of celebration, i did keep my promise. to some extent. in other words. i didn’t really keep my promise all the time. well yeah. i’ve cheated.

i’ve cheated when i stopped writing because writing actually a form of celebration trough words

i’ve cheated when i stopped making pictures just for fun because photography is something that really fun and fun is identical with celebration

i’ve cheated when i stopped dreaming high. and it is a real severe. because people like me needs to dream all the time, dreams are our sedative, and now i kinda lost because i don’t know what i should dream *but i keep making unnecessary delusions which are plainly unnecessary*

i’ve cheated when i stopped having conversation with HIM whenever i needed tho i understand entirely that it is the purest form of life celebration.

And so, now i’m 26 *oh yeah people, now exactly 12 o’clock which mean i am officially 26* i’m thinking what should i do next?

i think it is an urge to start dreaming like i used to. and maybe this song will help me

happy birthday little girl, apparently one year is not enough for you to learn to be mature. so learn more, and never stop learning because when you stop that will be the end of your celebration.

Saturday…and rrr…sunday blabber

Okay. Just after I wrote that it’s surprising that I could keep my writing commitment, I failed it. Oooh, how lame I am 😦
But well, I was too busy to please myself during these couple days. So I don’t care. Pardon me people.

2 days before a quarter of century. Bugger off, I just want to have fun.

Have a great winter break, or any other break :p, people.

Friday Blabber

I did my exam today. It was okay. Tho the result would be unpredictable.

But at least i’m free for a while. I don’t bother the result, it’s already done.

Now i just want to enjoy my little break. Doing some spontaneous act. Travelling. Hanging around with my friends.

Den Haag – Deventer – Enschede – Somewhere in Germany – Milan – Rome.

Yeaaa, even just thinking about it, already made me happy.

 

This is the wonder you hold little girl. Use it wisely when you have it.

5 days before a quarter century. Have a great winter break dear!

Live like you’re dying.

 

Good night people. Now i’m happy like a hippo!

have a blast weekend.

Thursday Blabber

In times like these, In times like those
What will be will be, And so it goes
And it always goes on and on…
On and on it goes

jack johnson – times like these

 

Wow, surprising how i can keep my commitment to write until my quarter century day since i always be the one who’s consistent to be inconsistent. Even my exam weeks not strong enough to prevent me from writing. This is an accomplishment. For real. Or this might have something to do with being grown up. You know, people say that grown up can handle their problems in a cool way. Now take a look at me. For example — I have exam tomorrow. I don’t feel like i’m super ready, well i try to give my best in preparing this exam. But i don’t have those sort of rushed – panic – terrified situation like what i used to have. I just feel, what should i say, content.

Though i know that this exam might be challenging one, one of my classmate told me that last year there’s only 20% students that passed this course. Tho i know that i should pass this one since i am binded with the scholarship program and my employer to finish my program in 1 year only. Though i know that i got bunch of material that i should read. I just feel so cool.

oh yeaaah people. I’m on the right track of embracing adulthood. Please welcome me world.

+eh besok beneran ujian ya?+ +mewek di pojokan+

6 days before a quarter of century. Are ready for tomorrow little girl?

whatever will be, will be. So bring it on!

 

-____-

Wednesday Blabber

Trouble he will find you, no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you’re fast, no matter if you’re slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the morn, oh oh
You’re fine for a while but you start to lose control…

– lenka – Trouble is a friend –

Starting a whole new life is not just about the excitement. There’s loads of problems involved. For me, this whole past 3.5 months felt so hard. I got bunch of troubles that sometimes made me want to crack up. The adaptation process, the missing and lonesome feeling, the study load, and other troubles that keep coming.

The more the troubles that i have, the more i complain about them. And the more i complain about them — without taking any real action — the worse i deal with them. And then i feel so tired. So then i started to talk with many people that happened to have to be in the same situation, starting sort of new life. Friends of mine, stranger, anyone. And hey, reality talks! most of them have same sort of problems. So hello girl…you’re not alone. And even if i talk to random people, they seem to have their own troubles.

So i come into conclusion that complaining is not a good combination for troubles, it will lead you into other troubles. So instead of complaining, it’s better to take a real action. When the troubles get too hard, you can take a break, calm yourself down for a while, and then get back and kick those troubles away from you.  Yes. I better keep this in mind.

 

7 days before a quarter of century. how many times you complain today little girl?and remember, God never put you in a trouble that you cannot bear.

So stop complaining. Start a real action instead.

Tuesday Blabber

I just took a personality disorder test. They told me that i suffer from dependent disorder. I am afraid of being alone. Matter of fact — i told you so many time before. I’m afraid to be alone — but often to feel so. Yes, maybe they’re right. I am highly dependent — i’m worried of being lonesome.

But then God put me here. In a far away land. So distant from my beloved people — the circle that keeps my silver lining. The time and distance come across the line. Yes. I am lonely. Honestly, i hate this. Being lonely often makes me insecure. And sometimes it breaks my walls. And so i cry. Longing for a hand to hold on, and a shoulder to lean on. But then i wake up in the next morning. And realized that sun still shining. And the world keeps moving.

So then. Sitting here in my room. Alone. I feel that i no longer afraid to be alone. Factually, at the end of the day i’ll be alone anyway. Just me — and God. So yes. Why should i feel afraid. Doesn’t mean that i begin to love the lonesomeness. Surely i still hate it. But i know, that i can cope it. I’ll keep holding on — no matter what.

7 days before a quarter of century, do you feel lonely tonight little girl?

you never really “alone” anyway. just take a look around.

Monday Blabber

yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift — that’s why we call it present

[kungfu panda]

Most of the time i get too worried about the future. What might happen. What might i get. What might i miss. Those overrated fear sometimes burdens me, and makes me afraid to step forward. Afraid to lose my current comfort zone, and reluctant to take a risk — tho i know that the reward might be huge.

Sometimes i also think too much about the past. What if i didn’t take my choices. What if i did the other way around. What if. Where would i be. What would i be. Those questions sometimes makes me too busy to look back, and missed the chances that passed me by. By the time i realized, it just all too late.

Now, remembering all those things, I’m awaken. It’s not the result, it’s not the outcome, it’s the progress that’s matter. No matter how bad my choices in the past are, the progress along journey that made me who i am today. And everything i am now is the result of everything that i did. And to some certain extent, i’m kinda feel blessed. About the future, we never know what might happen. Everything is possible. God is the greatest — nothing impossible. Matter of fact, what you do today is probably the most important determinant of what you’ll get tomorrow.

So now, i just want to enjoy the present. Be grateful for what i have today. Time surely fly, so let’s just savor what we have today.

8 days until a quarter of century

be grateful and enjoy your present little girl!

Sunday Blabber

Prolog:

i just posted on my twitter that i’m going to write 1 posting each day before 22nd December. Well, let see if i can make it

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Nisa: gw kangen masa kecil gw, dulu gw bisa be myself

Cina: kalo sekarang?

Nisa: gw behave

Cina: bukannya…be….tchy?

These lines (or more or less similar to these) is taken from Cin(t)a, one of my favorite movie. There’re so much smart lines that captivated me in that movie, but this one is somehow been intriguing me lately.

I remember my mom used to tell me that i used to be a nosy kiddo, who kept asking and asking about almost all the thing and bugging everyone around me so that most of the time the would answer me with “whatever” or “stop asking” or just ignore me. I kept having those kind answer so that i learned not to ask everything and tried to find the answer by myself or just simply forget my question if i just can’t understand them.

I also remember that i used to do whatever i like, and most of the time it was a spontaneous one. Most of the time i chose to be different with others. Became the robber when we played the policeman, made my own paper doll when we played house, drew monkey when the teacher told me to draw mountain. Jumped to the river even when i knew that my mom would mad at me, spoke my argument when i think that something not happened like it supposed to be–even to a adult people. But then again, people telling me that what i did is not appropriate, i should try to behave like others, they call it adaptation. Then i tried to learn, to “adapt” with others, being uniform.

The more older i am, the more “adaptation” that i made. Until some certain point, sometimes i can’t even recognize what i actually really want. My friend call me as a compromising, the harder one would say that i don’t have my ow stand, or other would simply just call me as irresistance that sometimes i might sacrifice my own necessity. Well, in my point of view, i only try to please everyone — it’s part of the adjusting process.

yes people, i try to behave — please everyone in my own term.

Been living in a very different place with what you used to have for a while, had made me realized that sometimes you cannot just please everyone else. You also need to please yourself (the problem is, sometimes you cannot define how to please yourself when you already believe that pleasing everyone around you would also mean pleasing yourself). I keep trying to please everyone so sometimes i feel tired.

I know that being grown up, you are obliged to behave, to act, like your society want you to. But people, i begin to  miss the old me — the ignorance bugging little kiddo who seems to enjoy her life.

world is constantly moving

time is certainly flying

so why don’t you be yourself instead?

9 days before quarter of century, how would you behave to face your future?

Saturday Blabber

Time does fly. Funny isn’t it? when you try to reminisce everything, try to list what you’ve already attained, and somehow you feel that you just not good enough. Well, people may have plan, the may set their target, construct strategy to achieve that target, and implement them sometimes. Some of them succeed but not  a little that failed.

For me it never works that way. I gave up planning loong time ago, when i realized that it just doesn’t work for me. So instead of making plan, i build dreams. I arrange alternatives, i live where life bring me to. I try to give what’s best and leave the rest to HIM. Most of the time it works, tho’ not rarely it fails. But it’s apparently better than the first one. Still i feel that i’m just not good enough.

Living this kind of way of life brings some consequences to me, my life is always a chaos, either a chaotic order or an organized chaos, it just randomly occurs. Sometimes i think i need pattern, but as i said i’m not good in making plan and so do pattern. So i think, in the mean time, i’ll stick to my current way. Keep dreaming. Keep looking for alternatives. Keep making chaos. Until i find a way how to make myself  become good enough for everyone. I don’t know when. Or maybe never. well people greedy and never feel satisfy right??

 

10 days left to a quarter of the century. And what you already give girl?

whatever. just dream up!

 

P.S lama ga nulis munculnya tulisan galau ga jelas begini. ya maap. maklum 20-something crisis, dikombo sama musim ujian lagi :p

Beginning of a Beautiful Life

This is what i name a beautiful life, when we visualized the dreams we have

No wrong or right when it comes from the heart, be thankful to God for what we’ve shared

Been a while since my last post, what 2 months? yes, i am that lazy and inconsistent hahahaha.

Well i got some reasons and issues that keeping me un-updated since i got a new chapter in my life and living a new life is never been easy right :). But it seems that i can’t keep it anymore not to write about anything (need or narcism? :p)

Believe it or not, sometimes if we dare to dream high and have a faith in it, the dream would actually becomes reality. I remember how i used to dream to pursue education as high as i could, no matter where it would take me to. “Tuntutlah ilmu sampai ke ujung langit nak” that’s what my teachers used to say to me, again and again. And maybe that’s why studying aboard becomes one of my obsession (surely there’s still numbers and numbers of obsession on my list :grin:). Thus obsession becomes my dream, and i put a huge faith in it, and believe me, now i am living those dream :). Yes, currently i am in Tilburg to undertake my master degree which is planned until next year (hopefully i could make it in time), not necessarily the same with what i dreamed about since i always want to study in UK, London to be precise *well, since arsenal comes from london too, yess that’s exactly my basic reason :lol:*, but hey…london is not that far from here, it just one N away 😆 (maksudnya londo kalo g ngerti …krik krik krik XD)

There are sooo many things that i wanna share. About how i could get here (especially about the scholarship, yes i know i owe you this post, i’ll try to make it as soon as possible), about living in tilburg, the culture shock, how to adapt with new environment, studying aboard (hopefully wont cause a brain damage for me XD), and sort of things. But for now, i only want to tell you one thing:

that i already miss you all!!!

greeting from tilburg: already miss you all xx

PS. keep dreaming my friend, HE always listen 🙂